there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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