We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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