rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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