I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
