I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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