Life is so much better after having sex.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
