whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
