she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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