apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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