TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
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