Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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