You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
