why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
