I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
