I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
