found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
