Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
