I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.