He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
