The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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