Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
