Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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