i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
