I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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