Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
