walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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