Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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