omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
she smelled like a LAN party
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
