So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
