How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
one might say we're banned from that church
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
