Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
