Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
