Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
