Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
