if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
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