I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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