Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
