help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
