Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
