You smell like stripper and shame
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
