The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
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im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
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I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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