god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
