i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
