Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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