woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
