So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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