Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
