Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
