Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
