My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
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