You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
