I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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