I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Randomize
