Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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