I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
